I want talk about and recognize the identity crisis, most of us new mommy’s face after having a baby. One day you’re a successful real estate agent, or business woman, hustling and socializing almost daily, then the next day you’re a professional diaper changer and milk dispenser . Before baby, you knew who you were, and you knew what was expected of you. You knew the role you played in life, and your confidence level was at a 10. But what happens to all of that once you become a mom? Where does it go? Why do we lose ourselves and our identity after we have a baby? These are questions I asked myself every single day, as I watched my old coworkers thrive in their careers, while I stayed at home with Liv. Don’t get me wrong, I was beyond thankful I was able to stay home with her for a year and a half, but I missed my old self. I knew who I was when I was working, and I felt relevant. Being a new mommy was confusing, and I felt lost. I had to find a completely new routine for not only myself, but now this new little person I had. Social media didn’t help at all during that time either. Coming from my line of work, it was hard to watch my peers thrive at their jobs, win awards, pick up a new rank or job title. I was happy for them, but I wanted that for myself as well. While the baby slept I used to look back at old photos of myself on social media, just to try and remember who I used to be. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and postpartum depression wasn’t helping. At the time I was feeling all of these self doubt and negative emotions about my own self worth, I was falling into a depression. I resented my husband at the time, because when I talked about wanting to return to work, he made comments like “You should feel grateful you’re able to be a stay at home mom.” and “Get over it.” He didn’t understand because he was still able to maintain his social life and work life. If anyone else is hearing this from their spouse/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ keep in mind, it has absolutely nothing to do with not feeling grateful. You can be grateful and even feel so blessed for the opportunity, but if you’re like me, and feel so worthless and irrelevant because you went from a working woman, to a stay at home mom, you can feel like you have no identity. I once had this conversation with a friend, and she recommended I choose to see my new identity as a “Mother”. That’s it, a mother. Was I supposed to just go from being a full time police officer, who was used to having adrenaline rushes, and getting into exciting incidents, to being just a mother? No, and it doesn’t work that way. I am so blessed to be Livvys mommy, and I could never imagine my life without her, but I knew deep down I needed to find a balance. I wanted it all. I wanted to merge my old identity with my new one, and honestly that scared me so much. My fear was if I put all of my energy into my work, what could I possibly have to give Liv at the end of the day. Negative thoughts raced through my mind daily. I remember thinking my first week back at work “What am I doing here?!”. Again, I had lost myself while being a stay a home mom, I didn’t know if I could do my job anymore. It took me about a year to find my balance. It took a long time to find my new identity, and it was a lot of trial and error. I learned the hard way that my true identity didn’t come from my profession. It also didn’t come from being a mom (although, I absolutely love being one). It came from me. Who I was as a person. The choices I make every single day to better myself, and others around me. Not to get all “mushy feely” on you, but my perspective comes from a place of loving myself, regardless if I am a successful police officer, or a full time stay at home mommy. Finding myself or new identity took learning how to mediate, finding my higher self, and learning to ground myself. Work no longer defines who I am, and neither does being a mom. I am so much more than that, and so is all the other mamas out there. Now is your opportunity to break up with your old self, and rediscover what you’re actually put here on earth to do. Discovering mediation and grounding techniques actually gave me an amazing spiritual awakening. My mind is the clearest it has ever been, and I wake up every morning with love and gratitude. Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t perfect and I do struggle sometimes on maintaining a balanced life, but I can still find at least three or five things in my day to be grateful for. My next blog will be all about my spiritual awakening and finding gratitude’s and blessings, so I don’t want to dig too deep yet on this topic yet, but maybe you can use the tools I shared to rediscover your true self and identity.
One thought on “Learning to love myself and the single mother”
Well, Mom… Besides being totally disqualified from commenting being a dad, we can say you have a wonderful writing style. It is open, flowing and one can understand how you feel… your feelings compounded by the smaller percentage of those confronting you and your brothers out on the streets. Believe me, those that love you as a police officer, mom and as a cwazy wabbit on your hilarious well-produced vids FAR outnumber those that don’t. Always believe that.
I pray you and Livvy will find the right male rabbit in your near future.
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