Dating and the Single Mother

Here it is, the topic I’ve been trying to avoid but have been told by my co worker, I needed to talk about. I wanted to avoid this topic due to the fact that my dating life is pretty much non existent, and although I have no shame, I felt that I had nothing to bring to the dating table. So, here we go. Lets dive in.

Dating and the single mother. Eh, well, the legally separated mother thanks, to COVID-19 slowing me down. But, I am well on my way to legal freedom. Even with a mild technicality in my relationship status, I am still being asked out on dates. Now, guys are not lining up at my door, not like that. But here and there, some nice man will come out of nowhere and either “slide into the DMs”, or the most popular one, ask my work partner if I was single. Now, here’s where it gets complicated.

I absolutely love staying home on a Saturday night with my daughter, Liv. I feel like its just where I belong. I honest to God enjoy my weekends together, but I wouldn’t mind a date or two here and there. Ya know, to feel like I have a somewhat of a normal life. To get dressed up in cute heels and a dress, and be complimented for an hour or two. who wouldn’t want that?! So here is why after approximately a year and a half of being single, I haven’t gone on a single date. Yep, not one.

Reason number one; Mom guilt. Its real. The first time I was asked out, I agreed to meet up on a Saturday evening. We were meeting half way due to distance, and I was semi excited. I found a sitter last minute, a super cute outfit, and rocked out in my bathroom to all the good music as I got dressed for my “first date”, to pump myself up. Then, an hour before I was supposed to head out, the mom guilt kicked in. Like, full on, head to toes, mom guilt. My chest felt heavy and my stress level went up. I went from excited, to “omg, I need to cancel”, in a matter of minutes. So, I canceled. I made up some lame excuse, changed out of my date attire, and snuggled up with Liv on the couch as we watched Moana. Did I feel bad for canceling on who I perceived to be an amazing, sweet, guy? Hell yeah I did! I felt terrible, but mom guilt feels worse. The heaviness I felt on my chest went away as soon as I hung up the phone to tell him I wasn’t going to make it. Needless to say, I never heard back from him.

Reason number two. One guy seemed very okay with me being a mommy, but in the end, I started getting the feeling he was not. Let me explain. We were set up. My partner at work mentioned to me a friend of his was interested in asking me out. Oh, and he knew I was a single mom. My partner gave him my number with my permission, and we started texting. Texting turned into phone calls, and phone calls turned into Facetime. He was cute, sweet, and we had a lot in common. We talked for weeks. He never asked about Liv, or even “liked” any of her pictures I would post on social media. But, he was quick to “like” solo ones of me. I thought things were going well, and at that point we had been talking every single night for over a month. I got the feeling he wasn’t interested in ever meeting up with me after a short conversation about kids. He mentioned he wasn’t interested in them, and didn’t even know if he wanted them in the future. I knew right then this wasn’t going anywhere. We never spoke again after that night.

Guys who are not “kid friendly” won’t stick around. Im actually okay with that too! Does it hurt to feel rejected? Yes. Yes it does. But I come with a child. An amazing one at that. My life isn’t easy or simple either. If I’m “talking” to any guy, I have to explain to them that dating me can be complicated. It’s work. I can’t just “get up and leave” to meet you. I can’t sleep over your house, I need date plans scheduled at least one week in advance, and texting constantly throughout my day is not going to happen. Please, for the love of all things good, call me! It’s super hard to have a three year old climbing on me, eager to get my attention, all while texting you and making small talk. No. Just no.

Also, I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in soul mates, and I believe we have more than one in this lifetime. Yes, more than one. I really am in no rush to find my soul mate, but isn’t the fun part about dating supposed to be the journey? Dating should be fun and exciting, but I actually dread it. Child or no child, I have honestly never liked it. Dating feels like a competition. A competition I want nothing to do with. I’m an old school kind of girl, with an old soul, so I believe in the old way of going about it. I know, confusing, so stay with me for a second. What happened to locking eyes with the cute boy at the coffee shop, and he walking up to you to make small talk, then he asks you for your number, then that ultimately leads to a date? I want this so badly. I have been so close to being asked out this way, but I ruined it! long story short, one early morning I was waiting in line at a Starbucks. I had a million errands to run that day so I decided to get dressed up. I looked adorable, and caught the eye of a gorgeous San Diego firefighter, who I actually had never seen or met before ( being a police officer requires me to work with these guys, so I know a good majority of them). We locked yes, he smiled, I smiled back, and he walked over a little closer to me. I got nervous. Like, a little sweaty under my cute top, nervous. He said “You have really pretty hair, and I just had to tell you that”. My reply? “Oh, thanks! I haven’t washed it in three days!”. That’s all it took for him to awkwardly smile at me and turn around to walk away. WTF is wrong with me?! A moment I had waited for was ruined and I had no one to blame but my dirty, but perfectly curled hair and my mouth. Needless to say, if this was to happen again, I will not bring up my hair routine habits. Then, there’s online dating. I cant. No judgment for those who online date, its just not for me. This is where dating feels like a competition. Why would I want to compete with all the single girls within a 25 mile radius of this guys home. Its too easy to log in to some app, order yourself a Friday night date, the same exact way you would order your clothing or groceries. Where is the chase? Where is the fun in this? If I have to cancel on a date, its super easy to replace me with a new girl you found on Tinder. Again, dating sucks. For now on, I will not be afraid to be the pursuer if I need to be. Its okay to see someone you would love to get to know, and ask them out. I no longer have any shame when it comes to that. But, it will take someone super special to pull me away from a Disney movie with Livvy on a Saturday night.
I know one day I will find my “perfect man” but it will take some time, and I’m okay with that. It will happen for me, and if this pertains to you, you as well. To quote an early 80’s band I love “Hold the line. Love isn’t always on time”. -TOTO

Have a question? Ask me in the comments section or send me an email! XOXO