First and foremost, before I dive into this thing I have to say thank you. Thank you for supporting this blog and me. This blog is becoming so incredibly therapeutic to my out of control, but exciting life.
I have a bad habit of making my life appear flawless on social media, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. So, I promise to be open and honest from this day on. I promise to be real with the struggles and the happiness that motherhood brings. Mothers almost weekly message me on social media asking this one simple question, “How do you do it all?!” and my reply has always been, “I don’t.” Shame on me for downplaying myself and my abilities as a mother, and shame on me for not giving an honest answer to a mother who may be seeking a little advice, or might be struggling herself. Aren’t we all put on this earth to help and support one another? This is hard. Being a mom is hard. Stopping your child from accidently killing themselves every hour on the hour, is hard. But the good news is, we are not alone. And no one should be making you feel like you are alone in this. If you don’t have support or a “village”, please reach out to me, because I would love to be those things for you.
The question EVERYONE asks me. How did I get here? Well let me tell you…
Soon after my daughter was born in the summer of 2017, my husband at the time was being transferred to Okinawa, Japan, for his job. So, I put my career on hold, packed up our household furniture, and moved with him. Our daughter was three months old and I was a brand new mom, living in a country where English was definitely not the primary language, and on top of that, I had no one around me for support. Not one single soul. I felt isolated and alone. My husband immediately started working once we landed on the island, so I was left to figure everything out on my own. I stayed inside for weeks. I only ever left our small hotel room to venture out for a good cup of coffee (Japan has the best coffee in the world if you didn’t know that) to help my very sleep deprived self. My fears ruled my life. Fears of taking an infant outside into a very unfamiliar place seemed reckless to me, and I wanted nothing to do Japan. But, I craved socialization. I wanted that “go-to” girlfriend who knew it all. Who was a mother herself, all while making motherhood look good! The mother who is fearless, adventurous, and sweet. Someone who I could call at any hour of the day or night just to vent about struggles with.
Ask and you shall receive!
For privacy purposes, lets call this super hero mom, Sally. Approximately one week after landing in Japan, Sally immediately began texting my husband (our husbands worked together) asking him if we needed absolutely anything. In fact, Sally insisted on picking us up in her vehicle to take us out for tours of the area, and show us fun places to eat. I politely declined. Mistake number one. It’s too easy to live in fear and stay inside, alone, and isolated. Anxiety, or postpartum depression in my case, kept me from reaching out for help when I needed it the most. I was comfortable being alone and figured I had no control over my situation, or environment. In fact, in my mind, I was a victim of my circumstances. That mindset was mistake number two. I lost myself completely. But thank the Lord for Sally. She insisted we take our kiddos out for walks along the seawall, with coffee. Who am I to pass up an offer like that? Coffee and the ocean? Yes, please! With my daughter Livvy in her brand new jogging stroller, and a cup of delicious coffee (seriously, try the coffee) I had an amazing time. But Sally didn’t stop there. My time in Japan became an awakening. A self-discovery awakening. I was pulled out of my depression and was taken to some of the most beautiful places Japan had to offer, with Sally and our kids. Sally stayed by my side my entire two years on the Island of Okinawa, through thick and thin. My marriage fell apart (to no fault of our own, we just couldn’t make it work) and Sally was there to allow me to vent and complain (we all need a Sally in our lives). Looking back I’m sure it got super annoying listening to me, but she never left. I have her to thank for the mother I am today. No, seriously. If I had not met this woman, I would still be stuck inside of my house, too afraid of the world, living in complete fear of what someone might do to my child. Years of being a police officer has shown me what the public was capable of, and my mission in life is to keep my perfect daughter safe. Who knew I could do that, all while allowing her to live her best life. And thanks to Sally, Livvy did just that. I will always be greatful for this beautiful mom.
After seperating from my husband, I moved back to Southern California, and bought a house. It’s been a little over a year since then, and my life has never been the same. I have had ups and down, sleepless nights, a lot of toddler vomit, bed wetting incidents at 2am, kissed a million “boo-boos”, first day of preschool, gymnastics and swim lessons, and a lot of wine and coffee (not in that order), and honeslty, I AM HERE FOR IT. I wouldn’t change a single thing. Okay, now to the good stuff. So, lets finally dive in!